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Question: How can I build trust in my marriage? By Chris & Tara Borghese

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Answered by: Chris & Tara Borghese
Chris and Tara
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Updated 10/1/2019 3:29:00 PM

How can I build trust in my marriage?   

Answer is:

1  Chris’s Perspective...   

Chris’ Perspective...Trust is the core of Tara and me to be able to communicate effectively. It is more than just knowing that when I was away on a business trip she was not hooking up with someone. Trust has to be built in the communication process as well.

Frequently, I have broken that trust because I am focused on trying to “fix” her. You see, I (and most men) want to solve problems. If there’s an issue I want to resolve fast as possible. 

I have learned that listening to Tara WILL build trust. She just wants to share her life with me. Listening to her is emotionally and practically  showing that I love her. If I continue to not listen and keep trying to “fix” her or the issue..she will clam up! Let me tell you, that increases conflict and stress in our relationship! Trust starts with listening with the goal of understanding.

2  Tara’s Perspective...   

Sometimes the issue lies within ourselves and not the other person at all. I had been hurt by some of my past relationships and trust had been broken. I became aware that my trust with myself had been compromised as well. Being able to trust ourselves is an important part of trusting others. If you have been hurt by someone in your past it may be affecting your ability to trust yourself and your decision making. Take some time to think through this and choose to forgive that person, even if that person is you! Forgiveness is a choice.

3    Merriam-webster defines trust like this... : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something : one in which confidence is placed   

Steps are:

  •  1. Open and Clear Communication

    To build trust you must have open and clear communication with each other. Being able to able to share your feelings without judgment. Allowing space for each of you to be heard and understood is vital in the process. One of the phrases that we use for clarification is, “what did you mean by that?” This is a great way to bring understanding immediately to any conversation, thus creating a climate for cooperation rather than conflict. This will take a conscious effort for both of you to commit to learning “how” each of you communicates to avoid the potholes of misunderstanding. A good internal sign for me to recognize if I need more clarification from my husband is if I feel offended or hurt by a comment. I then immediately ask him, “what did you mean by that?” and that gives him the opportunity to explain further and it’s now dealt with. In those scenarios, I was interpreting the information through a bad lens. The goal isn’t to prove each other wrong, it’s to understand one another.

  • 2. Be Honest! 

    Express your true thoughts, perspectives, and goals. Share if something they are doing is helpful or harmful. You may think you are just trying to be nice, but you are actually hurting the relationship by not being 100% honest. If you are pretending to like something out of fear of disappointing your mate then try this instead...let them know how much their happiness means to you, but next time you’d like to do _________(fill in the blank) Another great way to win in the area of honesty is to have small wins. Be home when you said you would follow through with the commitment to do the dishes or clean out the closet. Start by being honest with yourself. If you said you’re going to get up at 5:30 am to work out, then be true to yourself. These little actions will set the groundwork for creating and building trust.

  • 3. Take Personal Responsibility 

    This is the key to success in life and marriage. Once you give your personal responsibility to another human, you become a victim. Ask yourself, “what can I do to build trust with my spouse?” So many people blame their mate for all that’s wrong. They say, “it takes two to tango” and so we must play our part. We are only responsible for our actions, not anyone else's. Our motto in our business and our marriage is, “How we respond is everything.” This is exciting because we can control our response to our spouse. Our actions and words can strengthen the trust, love, and security that we all want our marriage to be built on. 

    If you have screwed up, apologize and take full responsibility. Do not try to justify the action, this will negate the apology altogether. This will be a small trust stone to build the trust back if it’s been compromised.


    4  Trust begins with the courage to move towards authenticity.   

    Trusting each other in marriage makes us feel secure because we know where we stand. 

    Marriage is two people choosing to be together despite their differences. It takes work and effort to invest in your relationship...but it’s so worth it!

    Taking the time to build trust lays the foundation for you to experience the joy and excitement of sharing your life with the one you said, “I DO.”

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