For: Building Trust in Marriage Communicate Effectively Between male and female How do i
Chris and Tara Building Trust in Marriage Communicate Effectively
The Marriage Revolution framework is truly Revolutionary because it teaches you about yourself! We use the power of personality assessment along with 40 years of tried and true training to marry (no pun intended) the two within the marriage relationship. Instead of trying to change yourself or your spouse, you actually get to know yourself on a level that makes so much sense that you’ll ask yourself how you’ve gotten this far in your life and marriage without it. Many of our clients have told us that the information we teach has been the “missing link” to being able to truly understand and get along with their spouse. It will open up lines of communication that you may have thought were hopeless. You’ll begin to identify each others traits and actually laugh out loud together!
Learning how you are wired as well as your spouse is essential to experiencing a happy marriage. We are all a blend of the 4 personality traits listed below. Discovering yours is as unique as your finger print. This information will remind you why you married your mate and will rekindle that spark that you may have thought went out…(it’s still there!)
Before we got to where we are today, being able to communicate with clarity and ultimate understanding, before we became certified in the DISC Model of Human Behavior, before we launched the very successful, “The Marriage Revolution Course” and Retreats…there was a corporate guy climbing the ladder of success and a stay at home mom very busy with everyday life.
We got caught in the trap of busyness.
Throwing ourselves in a million different directions except, towards each other.
Only to wake up one day to realize the pain that if we didn’t make a change, then everything we loved could be in danger of being ripped apart. Desperate to find help, we searched out mentors, courses, and retreats.
While Chris was traveling and working a ridiculous amount of hours for his high powered corporate job, I was busy being overwhelmed running a household by myself. My days consisted of teaching our three children how to conjugate a verb, getting them to basketball, volleyball, and baseball practices, and taking care of everything else in between. This resulted in both of us throwing ourselves into bed each night exhausted.
Neither of us had much to give each other at the end of the day, and sex? Wellllll, if we weren’t arguing, happen to be under the same roof, and the stars aligned it happened, lol.
The warning signs were there, we were entering into the “danger zone.” At this point we were in our 10th year of marriage (research has shown that many divorces happen between years 8 and 10). Our communication lines seemed to be getting crossed more and more, and Chris had fallen into what is now named “the mechanical husband”…he was working hard to provide, but was emotionally unavailable. And I had turned 100% of my focus to the kids, not allowing myself to deal with my emptiness. We were both at the later half of the, “For Better or Worse.”
And then we got the wake up call that changed everything…
We’ve named this time…
We discovered that we were complete opposite personality types. Chris is fasted paced, outgoing and task oriented, I am slow paced, reserved, and people oriented. These differences were actually what attracted us to each other back in 1991 when we first started dating.
But over the years…
These became the differences that were at the core of most arguments and conflict…in fact it’s two sides of the same coin.
The very differences of our spouse that are meant to complete us, often are the ones that deplete us.
We have now partnered with our mentor Dr. Robert A. Rohm to bring this revolutionizing information to every marriage across the globe. It’s that powerful!
Chris started traveling more and when he was home the kids, the chores and life took precedent over us.
I was feeling unappreciated, misunderstood, and my love tank was running on fumes.
Chris was feeling neglected, distant, and disrespected by me at every turn.
An emotional affair was brewing like a tropical storm and it had the potential to destroy everything in its path if we didn’t act quickly.
FYI…An emotional affair is described when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship.
This was me, I was starting to feel closer to a man that was NOT my husband, not Chris! I was sharing intimate details of my feelings and inner self that I had turned off due to hurt feelings, misunderstandings and loss of trust. I had to tell Chris what was going on, I had to end this unhealthy relationship before something happened I knew I would regret!
Painful “heart-to-hearts” were had between us. There was a lot of tears shed and long hours staying up talking into the wee hours of the morning. We sought out friends and family, desperately trying to restore what we knew was truly a deep LOVE between us.
Forgiveness was step one, then apologizing to each other for “checking out” and settling.
We read every relationship book out there, went to marriage seminars and even taught classes in our home for years. We didn’t just want good, we wanted GREAT!
All the information was always just “good,” it told us that we should love, honor and respect each other.
We totally agreed with all that…
…but how is that done exactly???
Even though we were now committed more than ever to having a happy and fulfilled marriage, it still seemed as if the differences that originally brought us together in the beginning were slowly becoming irritants to us both.
No one was teaching the “how” only the “why”. It was like having the peanut butter without the jelly, yuck!
Until one day we stumbled across a system, a blueprint, a step by step process that changed everything! It revolutionized our marriage…
Answer: I am a S/IC, I am very nurturing while having fun that makes sense, lol
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
Answer: Creating teleporting portals…one moment in my house , the next on the beach in Hawaii. It could be the next Uber business $$$
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Answer: Ooh, that’s an easy one…Graeters Black Raspberry Chip! It’s a Cincinnati, Ohio company, but can found at some grocery stores. No other ice cream flavors compare.
What are 3 things only your close friends know about you?
Answer: I like to binge watch Netflix shows, I’m oddly addicted to watching documentaries, and I have a Christmas ornament collection worth over $10,000. What? I love Christmas!
Answer: I am a I/DS, I enjoy having fun doing tasks that have a purpose.
If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
Answer: The ability to fly 100%
What is your favorite ice cream flavor?
Answer: Same as Tara’s…Graeters Black Raspberry Chip! But I haven’t really met an ice cream flavor that I didn’t like.
What are 3 things only your close friends know about you?
Answer: I make popcorn in my Whirlypop popper just about every night. I haven’t slept longer than 6 hours a night in over 30 years. I am related to the royal Italian family that donated the Borghese Gardens to Italy.
Chris & Tara Borghese
Email: [email protected]
Hello, we are Chris and Tara Borghese.
Having navigated their marriage through numerous storms over the last 27 years, Chris and Tara are on a mission to spread their proven system to bring a "lasting" breakthrough in marriages and relationships alike.
Chris and Tara have discovered the tools that have helped thousands of people experience healthy relationships. Their passion is to share what they've learned over the last 27 years with you!
"Knowing "how" to communicate with each other, is the key to understanding and harmony."
Find Out Your Marriage Personality Type
Building Trust in Marriage is a key part of building a happy life. It's essential to your relationships growth and success and is a powerful tool. Marriage Coaching provides strategic ways of building trust and taking your relationship to the next level in the healthiest ways possible.
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Trust is the cornerstone of every successful marriage, without it...the house will come crumbling down. Being able to be open, honest and vulnerable will bring a new level of strength to your relationship. This new level can only be achieved where trust is built. To maintain a balance between openness and privacy, you must stay away from letting deception creep in. You aren’t obligated to share everything with your spouse, but you will build trust if you speak the truth in love.
1 Chris’s Perspective...
Chris’ Perspective...Trust is the core of Tara and me to be able to communicate effectively. It is more than just knowing that when I was away on a business trip she was not hooking up with someone. Trust has to be built in the communication process as well.
Frequently, I have broken that trust because I am focused on trying to “fix” her. You see, I (and most men) want to solve problems. If there’s an issue I want to resolve it...as fast as possible.
I have learned that listening to Tara WILL build trust. She just wants to share her life with me. Listening to her is emotionally and practically showing that I love her. If I continue to not listen and keep trying to “fix” her or the issue..she will clam up! Let me tell you, that increases conflict and stress in our relationship! Trust starts with listening with the goal of understanding.
2 Tara’s Perspective...
Sometimes the issue lies within ourselves and not the other person at all. I had been hurt by some of my past relationships and trust had been broken. I became aware that my trust with myself had been compromised as well. Being able to trust ourselves is an important part of trusting others. If you have been hurt by someone in your past it may be affecting your ability to trust yourself and your decision making. Take some time to think through this and choose to forgive that person, even if that person is you! Forgiveness is a choice.
3 Merriam-webster defines trust like this... : assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something : one in which confidence is placed
1. Open and Clear Communication
To build trust you must have open and clear communication with each other. Being able to able to share your feelings without judgment. Allowing space for each of you to be heard and understood is vital in the process. One of the phrases that we use for clarification is, “what did you mean by that?” This is a great way to bring understanding immediately to any conversation, thus creating a climate for cooperation rather than conflict. This will take a conscious effort for both of you to commit to learning “how” each of you communicates to avoid the potholes of misunderstanding. A good internal sign for me to recognize if I need more clarification from my husband is if I feel offended or hurt by a comment. I then immediately ask him, “what did you mean by that?” and that gives him the opportunity to explain further and it’s now dealt with. In those scenarios, I was interpreting the information through a bad lens. The goal isn’t to prove each other wrong, it’s to understand one another.
2. Be Honest!
Express your true thoughts, perspectives, and goals. Share if something they are doing is helpful or harmful. You may think you are just trying to be nice, but you are actually hurting the relationship by not being 100% honest. If you are pretending to like something out of fear of disappointing your mate then try this instead...let them know how much their happiness means to you, but next time you’d like to do _________(fill in the blank) Another great way to win in the area of honesty is to have small wins. Be home when you said you would follow through with the commitment to do the dishes or clean out the closet. Start by being honest with yourself. If you said you’re going to get up at 5:30 am to work out, then be true to yourself. These little actions will set the groundwork for creating and building trust.
3. Take Personal Responsibility
This is the key to success in life and marriage. Once you give your personal responsibility to another human, you become a victim. Ask yourself, “what can I do to build trust with my spouse?” So many people blame their mate for all that’s wrong. They say, “it takes two to tango” and so we must play our part. We are only responsible for our actions, not anyone else's. Our motto in our business and our marriage is, “How we respond is everything.” This is exciting because we can control our response to our spouse. Our actions and words can strengthen the trust, love, and security that we all want our marriage to be built on.
If you have screwed up, apologize and take full responsibility. Do not try to justify the action, this will negate the apology altogether. This will be a small trust stone to build the trust back if it’s been compromised.
4 Trust begins with the courage to move towards authenticity.
Trusting each other in marriage makes us feel secure because we know where we stand.
Marriage is two people choosing to be together despite their differences. It takes work and effort to invest in your relationship...but it’s so worth it!
Taking the time to build trust lays the foundation for you to experience the joy and excitement of sharing your life with the one you said, “I DO.”
Getting along in our marriage is a skill we must all learn. It’s not easy when opposite personality types typically attract, then those qualities that made us fall in love have now become our biggest irritant. How do I know this? This happens to me and my wife. We have our similarities, but it was our differences that started to come between us. She’s late, I like to be early, she’s a night person, I’m a morning person, she’s an introvert, I’m an extrovert. These differences are very common among couples. The conflict was evidence that we needed help to get along.
1 The Key...
The key to getting along with your spouse is taking the time to understand their personality traits. What motivates them, how do they give and receive love, are they task-oriented or people-oriented? All of this plays a role in how we communicate with each other, and ultimately... get along. Your commitment to finding a solution is a step in the right direction.
2 Chris's Perspective:
My wife and I are opposites in many ways. I am outgoing and loud. Because of this,(and the above mentioned) we have had a lot of conflict in our marriage. We’ve been able to weather the storms because we have been committed to each other for 27 years. However, it’s not always been comfortable or easy.
Since we also have kids we felt we owed it to them to figure out any differences so they can see what a healthy marriage looks like. Heck, I really have no interest in screwing up my kids by not getting this marriage thing right. That totally scares me!
I am NOT compromising who I am as a man. She married a man and I am just wired differently than her. That is obvious. In fact, Tara has stated that is what she wants..a man who is confident in who he is as a man.
Additionally, I am not her girlfriend. There are certain subjects I just will not be able to understand where she is coming from so there is no need to go there.
Lastly, adapting my communication to her does not mean I am going to have to go through “inner healing” and all my daddy issues. Sure, those things I may need to do but not a requirement for understanding each other.
3 Tara's Perspective:
As a child, if I didn’t get along with another kid I wouldn’t hang out with them anymore, things were much simpler then, lol
My parents didn’t give me the best example of how to get along either. My dad often gave my mom the cold shoulder treatment until they both pretended to forget about the disagreement. I say pretended because whenever a new fight would break out the old fight was mentioned. Choosing to not put the time into really getting to know each other was an example of what not to do. I knew my parents loved each other and us kids but they didn’t have the right tools for success to get along in their marriage.
After Chris and I got married I thought we would naturally get along since we were so head over heels in love with each other. We did, and still do, have a great marriage, but like every great marriage, we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs.
Life is difficult when Chris and I aren’t getting along. There’s tension in the house that everyone can feel. We have both taken responsibility to understand each other better and to find solutions to our differences. One of the tools that have helped us was taking the DISC personality profile. This tool has helped me countless ways in how I respond to Chris, and how I process his communication style, sometimes we can predict how each other will respond!
Step 1: Be Committed To The Cause
We say, “till death due us part”, but do we really mean it? Be committed to the relationship! Divorce is not an option. In fact, make a pact at the beginning of your marriage (or NOW) to NEVER mention the “D” word. Two people who love each other and are willing to put forth the effort can learn how to get along better. Write a letter to each other renewing your commitment to making your marriage a priority. This will create a safe place for open dialogue and discussion to happen with a common cause in mind. Commitment means doing what you said you would do long after the feeling you said it in is gone. (Think* committing on Sunday night while watching the Crossfit games to getting up at 5:00 am the next morning and when that alarm goes off you now don’t feel like it anymore.)
Step 2: Take a Personality Test
Take the DISC personality test. You will learn a great deal not only about your spouse but yourself as well. There are many good personality tests, but the best one in our opinion is the DISC. It’s easy to remember and apply. It has revolutionized our marriage as well as helped us get along with our children better. (we can help you take the test that’s right for you)
To get along, understanding how each of you is wired is the most important skill you can learn.
However, it’s not just understanding your spouse but caring enough to adapt your communication to best suit the other’s personality.
For example, for us, ONE thing we learned is that I am more of a risk-taker and Tara is not. That fact alone has been gold! It explains WHY she would not talk to me for a bit when we moved from NC to CA. If I had known that about her we would have had a lot LESS conflict in our marriage. Moving across the country would have been a lot less stressful for both of us.
4 Being able to learn how Tara is wired and showing her that I am willing to learn how to communicate with her has both saved and put the spice back into our marriage.
It was not until we both took personality tests that we could understand each other and make significant headway in our ability to get along. One of those, “I wish I knew then what I know now” kinda moments.
The answer is...you are each wired differently and you don't know HOW to communicate with your spouse so THEY can relate to you.
How do you get to know how each of you are wired?
Step 1: Take a DISC personality test.
Step 2: Commit to learning how your spouse is wired.
Step 3: Commit to learning how to communicate with them according to this new knowledge.
Step 4: Both parties need to "give" to the relationship rather than looking for something they can "get". In this scenario, each will receive their needs in the relationship.
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Find Out Your Marriage Personality Type